i really don't want to be writing this. i'm half here. i keep picking up my bowl of buttered green peas instead of typing. i suppose because when you write it and let it out, then it's true.
tomorrow it will be one year since you died. i think now is when i'm supposed to write the canned "can't believe it's been a year" statement. i can believe it's been a year. a painstaking, long year, peppered with wonder without you. but, without question, probably your easiest in a while.
when i see those puffy white clouds in a crazy blue sky, i think of you. when i hear a group of girls laugh, i think of you. when i drink coffee (or wine), i think of you. when i want to search for treasure, i think of you. when i have something i'm dying to share, i think of you. when i make pasta and use the bowl you gave me, i think of you. when i see the color turquoise, i think of you. when i feel a breeze come down from the mountains, i think of you. when i see excitement on the faces of my kids, i think of you. when i take care of myself and stop to take a breath, i think of you. when i create, i think of you. when i worship, i think of you.
and in the quiet moments i'll admit i've done it. i've looked heavenward and asked for some kind of sign that you're okay. like, okay God, if you've got her and she can see me, make a hawk, no, two hawks, fly across the sky. maybe not on cue, but i'll see them later and smile and i'll let that be my sign. late or not.
i know where you are. and sometimes i feel like for a second, i can see what you see. like you put me behind your eyes and just give me a taste.
and lately, i've heard you tell me to concentrate on living in between the tensions of this world and the next. the old "to be in the world and not of it". and while i'm still here, to make it an art, my art, to be in the moment. 'cause they all matter, all the moments and they add up to...the pieces of knowing of our journey.
so, i'm living with intention in the tension. intent on maybe too much or too little according to some. but your wisdom still finds me. your friendship still inspires me. your love still steeps in my heart. until...until this life and the next weave together and our Lives once again touch.
1 comment:
I am sitting at my neighbors who made me coffee and cinnamon rolls this morning since i'm working from home. This is my dear friend that I went to high school with and we just reconnected the last few years as we realized we are neighbors! While we share secrets, woes, and laughs of our lives now as adults she asked me something about if I've ever written a blog. I remembered your survey on the mommy blog and in looking for it found your new blog. As we read your first entry, we both welled up yelling "it's the onions damnit" because she's preparing a pot pie at the moment.
Lauren, this was incredibly moving and I'm so proud of you for following your dreams. You are an inspiration, a force to be reckoned with, (my favorite carnie of course), and a great person. I'm so glad to call you my friend. "I'm living with intention in the tension..." That right there is magic.
XOXO Joyce
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