hindsight

i cannot believe that i haven't posted a thing since spring break. honestly, i write all the time, just in my head. i write about lots of things, i just never seem to be able to sit down and actually type them. i could come up with a myriad of excuses, but you probably don't want to hear them.

tonight is the eve of my 35th birthday. this birthday feels kind of like a crossroads, a major intersection in my life. one of those ages where you reflect on where you are and where you're going and where you've been. as i sat in the dentist's chair today getting 35 year old parts repaired, i commiserated with my dentist who is turning 40 next week. when the heck did my dentist become only 5 years older than me?

time flies. cliche but true. and now it seems to be picking up in pace, especially when it comes to my kids. i have an 8th grader. i feel like i'm still an 8th grader. i remember when andy poulos shaved his eyebrows to show his undying love for becky wham. i remember walking all over town in navy capezio flats and slipping down damn near every single stair in that stairwell by the junior high on the way to the picadilly for french fries. i remember getting "depantsed" in the hallway by the girls' bathroom between the art and shop rooms in my gym shorts and my underwear came with 'em.

time warp. here i am, 1700 miles and 21 years away from the 8th grade. 21 years. huh. i guess growing up and going to college and getting married and having 5 kids and moving across the country is a lot to pack in even into 21 years. i'm not sure i'd even recognize the girl i was then if i bumped into her on the street. oh gosh. i'd love to grab her by her collar and shake her a bit. help her through some of the ensuing train wrecks life had waiting. but yet another cliche: hindsight is 20/20.

and here i am. after a rocky ride. bumps, bruises, scars all worth it. i can honestly say i feel like i have perspective on the good stuff, the kind of perspective only gained through experience. a wisdom that comes through pain and failure and success and joy. each moment of the past 21 years, well the past 35 leading up to today. it's really mind blowing when you think about it. we always hear life happens in the little moments, but when the whip past you so fast it's hard to remember. you have to lasso them in, even just for a second, to get a better look. then you have to set them free, there' s no taming time.

i feel like i need to make a list of things i want to do this year. at first i thought i should come up with 35 but that's exhausting to even think about. i think i could come up with 10. but then 3 plus 5 is 8, so in some wierd numerology attempt, that's what i've settled on. the great 8:

1. find a dog 2. put something on canvas 3. volunteer with our cancer ministry at church 4. run a 5k 5. drink more water 6. stick to my chore chart 7. relax more 8. be positive and let what comes out of my mouth reflect that.

i have my work cut out for me. but if i can find a few moments to knit together and hang onto even fleetingly, i may have a shot. i've got 35 years of life experience to throw at it. the girl's got skills.